February 4, 2008

Because you know what they say about honey bears

Jasper Johns, Device, 1961-1962

* Top ten conservative idiots. excerpt:

4. George W. Bush

"Big news everyone - the State of the Union is STRONG! Why, just last week Bush's FCC took a firm stance on naked buttocks. But despite this smashing success, things aren't looking so hot in other important areas. We're still stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, Afghanistan is looking shaky, Osama bin Laden is still on the loose, the U.S. military is so broken that America can't defend itself against an attack (more on that in a minute), the economy is on the verge of recession, employment is declining, home ownership is plunging, energy costs are rising, the nation's infrastructure is collapsing, the federal government is bankrupt, and climate change is out of control.

"Don't worry though - at his annual address last week Our Great Leader announced bold new solutions to these pressing problems. Ha ha! Yeah right. What he actually did was mumble his way through a laundry list of non-accomplishments and then make some half-baked demands for Congress to get to work cleaning up the Olympic-sized swimming pool of shit in which he's left us all floating.

"You could almost see the relief on George's face - he knows he's going to crawl to the finish line without being impeached or imprisoned, and soon he'll be free to retire and live out the rest of his life as America's Suckiest Ex-President. (But he won't care about that - he'll be too busy working for daddy at the Carlyle group, selling arms to the Saudis.)

"Honestly, Bush might as well have stood up in front of Congress and farted for an hour. It couldn't have stunk any worse, and at least it would have been funny."

* George Saunders on writing a sonnet.

* Lou Reed Sweet Jane, Paris, 1974.

* "A metaphor is like a simile." -- Steven Wright


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