the devil screws with the best laid plans


Unknown, people filling out tax forms in the Internal Revenue office, 1920

* Top ten conservative idiots. "excerpt:

"3. The Bush Administration

"Why does George W. Bush need a War Czar anyway? Things are going so well over there.

For example, the White House has spent the past few weeks accusing Democrats of neglecting the troops, saying things like, 'failure to fund our troops will mean that some of our military families could wait longer for their loved ones to return from the front lines. Others could see their loved ones headed back to war sooner than anticipated. This is unacceptable.'

"So unacceptable, in fact, that last week the Associated Press reported that 'the Army is adding three months to the standard yearlong tour for all active-duty soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.'

"As you can see, by giving Our Great Leader a war spending bill which includes benchmarks for the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq, the Democrats have forced our troops to stay in Iraq longer! Or something.

"Meanwhile, Bush's manly surge is really taking off. April has been one of the deadliest so far for coalition forces - as I write this, 55 troops have been killed in the first 13 days of the month. According to icasualties.org, that's 4.23 deaths per day, the third highest monthly average of the entire war (not including the initial invasion).

"And of course, last week a suicide bomber blew himself up in the Iraqi parliament building, killing three Iraqi lawmakers and forcing U.S. officials to admit that "the bombing of the Iraqi parliament shows that not even the heavily fortified Green Zone is safe any more, despite the security crackdown launched earlier this year in the Iraqi capital," according to the Guardian.

"But it's not all bad news. The Associated Press reported last week that 'Tens of thousands of Shiites -- a sea of women in black abayas and men waving Iraqi flags -- marched from Kufa to Najaf on Monday, demanding U.S. forces leave their country on the fourth anniversary of fall of Baghdad. Streets in the capital were silent and empty under a hastily imposed 24-hour driving ban. Demonstrators ripped apart American flags and tromped across a Stars and Stripes rug flung on the road between the two holy cities for the huge march.'

"According to Editor & Publisher:

"'White House spokesman Gordon Johndroe told reporters this only underscores how much "progress" the U.S. is making in that country.'

"So let me get this straight... the protests in Iraq are a sign of progress because under Saddam Hussein Iraqis weren't free to hate Americans?

"That can't be right. I think what Gordon Johndroe means is that the protests are a sign of progress because Iraqis are now free to come out in their tens of thousands to demand that we leave.

"And because we respect freedom so much, we're going to ignore them and continue to occupy their country."

* Salvador Dali explains Alka-Seltzer.

* Are mobile phones wiping out the bees? excerpt:

"It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

"They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

"The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

"Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

"The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast."

* Great madmen of the 20th century.