September 26, 2006

slept with your legs apart in the night


david smith, Waterfront Scene with Collaged Elements: Reclining Woman, Self-Portrait, 1932–35

* The Rude Pundit. excerpt:

"Yesterday's report that the still-classified National Intelligence Estimate, featuring the compiled investigations of all of America's intelligence-gathering operations, couldn't have been more clear: 'Islamic radicalism, rather than being in retreat, has metastasized and spread across the globe' and 'the Iraq war has made the overall terrorism problem worse.' That's according to anonymous government sources who have read the report. Now, unless this is some twisted Rovean disinformation (which, in this savage season, is always possible), it's pretty damned straightforward: the Bush administration's great and grand adventure in the Iraqi deserts and streets has made the world a more deadly place.

"Now we hear from the minister of evil himself, John Negroponte, that it's all in the context. Issuing a statement from his regal office in Hell, printed, surely, on the dried skin of Sunni torture victims, Negroponte hissed, 'The conclusions of the intelligence community are designed to be comprehensive and viewing them through the narrow prism of a fraction of judgments distorts the broad framework they create.' Get it? We're only seeing a tiny portion of what's in the mighty document. Affirms the White House, the articles are 'not representative of the complete document.'

"Of course, that begs the question: what the hell could be in the rest of the NIE that actually mitigates the finding that we're screwed harder than a twenty-buck-a-fuck hooker in an alley behind a Chicago bar after the Bears win? 'Cause, like, if all they got is that they killed Zarqawi and a couple of other "high-ranking" terrorists, that doesn't really make up for causing the jihadi movement to grow with all the rank speed of mold inside a flooded New Orleans home.

"One supposes the NIE could say that, well, shit, yeah, there's a massive expansion of Islamic fundamentalist nutzoids who wanna blow them some shit up, but, hey, in Afghanistan, the Taliban foot soldiers say that their women are letting them do anal on them more without narcing them out to the local authorities (Allah no likey the ass play). And if more ass-fucking is occurring, you know, we're well on our way to a more peaceful tomorrow. Either that or they've figured out that Jesus is gonna get pissed and finally intercede on America's behalf.

"See? It's goddamn sunshine and sweetness. Maybe we're thinking wrong about this. Maybe it ain't the content that Negroponte's talkin' about. Maybe if you saw the whole report, you'd see they made it all pretty, with hearts and smiley-faces dotting the i's, with rainbows and unicorns decorating the margins. Hell, you could write, 'We're all gonna fuckin' die tomorrow,' but if you print it up in purple on pink paper with a doily behind it and a Care Bear next to it, it's gonna make you feel so much better about your imminent demise.

"Can't they just be honest? Just for a few minutes? Can't they just say, 'Well, shit, you're right, so why don't we try to make this better?' No, instead, they'll say that Democrats are 'playing politics'" with classified information even as they take out their models of the Twin Towers, the ones with the plane parts pasted on the sides, and beat Democrats over the head with them."

* Major League Baseball's All-Star Cokeheads.

Outfield: Pedro Guerrero

"Ol' Pedey was a prolific slugger back in the '80's. He was also legally retarded (IQ of 70) and had more than a passing interest in coke. In 2000, Guerrero was acquitted of federal drug charges because his attorneys argued that he was so dumb it was impossible for him to understand the drug deal he was involved in with a friend. A few years later, Miami police would be called to the home of one O.J. Simpson after The Juice found his girlfriend going to town with Pedey and a bag of snow."

* "On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their hearts’ desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." -- H.L. Mencken, Baltimore Sun, 1920

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home