September 25, 2006

and the water looked like tarnished gold

dana ellyn, Dressed for Patriotism, Preoccupied by War, 2003

* Top ten conservative idiots. excerpt:

"And finally, this year marks the 10th anniversary of Fox News. To celebrate the occasion, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney issued a proclamation last week 'declaring Sept. 19, 2006 Fox News Channel Day throughout the state,' according to TV Newser. Oh, you lucky... Massachusans? Massachussites? Never mind.

"So how is one supposed to celebrate Fox News Channel Day? Well, it's simple really.

"First, wake up at the crack of dawn and put on your Stars & Stripes sweatsuit. Eat a quick breakfast while watching Fox & Friends, then hop into your Hummer and head down to the local WalMart for a fresh supply of car flags. Spend the rest of the morning affixing said flags to your vehicle. Don't forget to 'pre-wear' the flags by rubbing them in a puddle of grease and ripping holes in them.

"At noon, have lunch (falafel with a side of freedom fries) while listening to The Radio Factor.

"In the afternoon, hold a fun Weapons Of Mass Destruction Hunt in your back yard. Your kids will play the part of U.N. Weapons Inspectors. Tell them that you've hidden "WMDs" full of candy in the back yard and send them out to track them down. Go inside and have a beer.

"After about an hour, your kids will probably come back and report that they've looked everywhere and can't find anything. Inform them that you're certain the 'WMDs' are there, and if they don't keep looking then the terrorists will have won all that delicious candy.

"After another hour or so of fruitless searching, your kids will be deeply distressed and probably crying. Tell them that you've always known the U.N. were wimps. If crying children bother you, a couple of OxyContin pills will take the edge off.

"The traditional evening meal on Fox News Channel Day is a huge turkey dinner prepared by your wife who has been slaving thanklessly in the kitchen all day, which is exactly where she should be. After dinner, make sure you don't offer to do the dishes, because that's her job. If she complains, 'Hannitize' her.

"If you don't have a woman handy to cook and clean for you, just get a plastic turkey with all the plastic trimmings and pretend it's real. If you want to feel more manly while admiring your plastic turkey, wear a jacket with 'Commander in Chief' written on the breast pocket.

"After dinner, head out into the neighborhood for a game of Trick or Threat. Put on a Bill O'Reilly mask, knock on your neighbors' doors, and when they appear ask, 'Trick or Threat?' If they reply, 'threat,' tell them that the Democrats are going to let Iran drop bombs full of bird flu down their chimneys. If they say 'trick,' punch them in the face.

"Alternatively, have a firework party in your back yard. While the fireworks are going off, tell your kids that this is what it'll be like when you send them off to join the military. Then laugh out loud and tell them you're just kidding. When the fireworks are over, burn an effigy of Alan Colmes on a bonfire made out Al Franken books.

"Finally, to end your perfect Fox News Channel Day, go to a bar and get shitfaced. Pick a fight with someone a lot smaller than you are and give them the gift of freedom by kicking their ass, before passing out in a pool of your own vomit and waking up the next morning in the local drunk tank. When your wife comes to pick you up, blame it all on Bill Clinton."

* FUPA. [via]

* Slideshow of Lucian Freud at work.

* "A good bad poem is a graceful monument to the obvious. It records in memorable form—for verse is a mnemonic device, among other things—some emotion which very nearly every human being can share." --George Orwell


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